I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
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You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Art by Pastelkatto
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.