When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
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If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”