Quadruple digit IQ
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I think the cat got the dog high.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize