Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
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i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..