Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
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My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.