When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
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I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*