The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
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*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I love you…
…r dog.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
black phone good
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My patience has stretch marks.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.