I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
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Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
A Short Story.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.