Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
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When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.