I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
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What in the hipster hell is going on here
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier