me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
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The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*