I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
You Might Also Like
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
I’d … I’d rather not.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off