All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
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I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.