I never know how much to tip a cow.
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*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.