In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
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my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river