me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
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my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis