GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
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me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
motivation
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs