“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
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Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Sticker placement is key.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option