My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
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My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Can’t stop laughing
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?