Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
You Might Also Like
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…