AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
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What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store