me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
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[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot