I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
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Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.