You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
But wait…
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!