-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
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Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
gm
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
me: my friends:
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.