Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
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“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.