[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
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ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Some people were born into their job.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Childbirth is so beautiful
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
What a year we’ve had this week.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.