A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
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My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.