adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
You Might Also Like
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Me, reading some of your tweets
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??