That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
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[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!