On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
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Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
A friend helps you before you need it
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me