If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
You Might Also Like
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.