Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
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When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do