me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
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Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.