Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
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me the second it drops below 70 degrees
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.