GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
You Might Also Like
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds