Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
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Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
do what now??
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me: