I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
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Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.