*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
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Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.