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Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Ha.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.