doing some research
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Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”