Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
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[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Day 2 of my diet
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.