[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
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Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂