Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
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If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.