Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
You Might Also Like
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
japanese corn
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.