{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”