My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
You Might Also Like
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
#DesignFail
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
only 11 steps left
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.