You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
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I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
My what?
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Body by cheese-puffs.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next