Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
How it started How it’s going
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.