My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
You Might Also Like
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
every. time.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass